Thursday, March 20, 2008

I am going to die. Current mood: betrayed

Catchy, isn’t it? This is what goes through my mind, as a breast cancer survivor’, about (oh, I don’t know) 20 times a day. Sure, it’s a fleeting thought, but still such a pain in the ass. Everyone thinks that once you are done with treatment (although I have four more Herceptins to go), you are safe and never have to worry about it again. Even better are those that think you get some sort of prize for being Stage 1. Like I was "lucky" to have any stage of it. There is no prize for Stage 1 breast cancer.

Breast cancer is a trickly little bugger. It can hide for months or years, and then rear it’s ugly little head and bite you. I function, and function quite well, but I wonder if I will always be contemplating each little pain, twitch and tickle. I have heard from other "survivors" that it dwindles as time goes by. However, I am impatient. Everyone thought I had such a positive outlook during chemo--no, I just can’t sit on my butt for 10 days and enjoy it. Good-ness, I am bitter.

I have begun saying, "I didn’t hate having cancer. I hate "having had" cancer." So, before you tell me how lucky I was, with any other regard than to having a wonderful family, friends, and business...