Okay, I will know more on Tuesday night, but I think I am done. With chemo. Done. No more--not one more. I am not saying, "not ever", cuz you never know these things...
The neuropathy didn't seem to decrease with the reduced dosage of Taxotere, and it is spreading to my hands. Not good. Especially since I am attached to this lap-top like it's a key lime martini.
I figured out what was going on with the steroids. It is called "steriod psychosis". So, it wasn't just my hidden psycho rearing it's ugly head. There is really nothing that can be done about it--you have to have the steriods to have the chemo (unless you want an allergic reaction to kill you), and the only thing they can give you go combat the SP is heavy--lithium and the like. There is NO way I am going on lithium for one cycle of chemo. The problem with SP is that you CANNOT control your thoughts. I seriously (and no one freak out here) had to make myself stop thinking about committing suicide. Not because I wanted to kill myself, but because I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it. Sorry if that is confusing. I might be still experiencing a loss of words from the treatment.
So, when I go in for my blood work on Tuesday, I am going to ask them about not doing #6. If they balk at all, #6 might still be on, but if they agree, my life is KICK ASS. I found an article tonight, regarding a woman with severe side effects from chemo who felt that she could not do the last 2 (or 3, I can't remember). The article said that the first treatments are the most important with BC (not sure why, I will ask), and that getting through what she had was an accomplishment.
Therefore, I am not going to look at this like I am wussing out. I think I got through 5 really disgusting, ugly chemo treatments and now want to make sure I don't end up with lasting things that impair my quality of life. Todd and I were always concerned about the lasting effects, and being concerned from the get-go makes it easier to look at the situation now.
Chemo is supposed to be hard. It is supposed to suck. But nowadays, you are not supposed to just "accept" being impaired from it forever. Isn't the point of chemo to make your life longer, better, and happier? Well, I guess happier is "not dead" and better is "not dead", too.
Let's not get into the whole Heaven thing--I need to be here now, and there later. Muuuuch later.
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